A room of her own.

I would like to preface the following post by saying that I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.

A couple of months into dating my boyfriend, my boyfriend revealed a disturbing habit. Instead of reading a magazine or the back of a lotion bottle in the bathroom (What? You don’t do this?) as a form of entertainment while you’re doing your thang, he would take his laptop. After the initial shock and slight repulsion (What if some bacteria landed on the computer? Because, all sensible and educated people are naturally incapable of aiming.) I realized that having the whole internet at your fingertips was actually very convenient.

At the end of my first quarter in grad school, I was having a difficult time writing one of my final papers, and with a limited amount of time until the deadline, I opted to multitask and took my laptop with me, as I…brainstormed. I’m not sure what happened, but the whole process was magical. I ended up spending an hour on my throne writing a large chunk of my final paper.

And so here I am, sharing what could perhaps be a place of enlightenment for you too, as I write a chapter of my thesis. If nothing else, may this post inspire you to consider  and bring light to all of your partner’s strange behaviors.

Goodnight.

Love is…

Love is texting your partner from the bathroom about the nature of what exactly your digestive system is doing every single time you do a superb job processing a fiber rich meal.

Thanks Babe, I love you too.

Take a poll!

Keepin’ It Classy

When your boyfriend takes you out to a fancy, overly shmancy, the-waiter-is-going-to–put-the-napkin-on-you-and-keep-removing-various-pieces-of-silverware-to-replace-it-with-new-silverware-restaurant, where-a –piece-of-fatty-duck-is-smaller-than-the-palm-of-your-hand-and-costs-more-than-your-jeans, you have to keep it classy. Learning to keep it classy can be tricky, so instead of doing the following next time your partner goes all out to wine and dine you, don’t do what we did.

1. Whisper to your boyfriend, in a half drunk, half attempt to be seductive to take you back to the cama de amor, while on unbeknownst to you, the waiter is standing right behind you the whole time waiting to take your plate away but not wanting to intervene, and watching the horror unfold before his eyes.

2. Tell your boyfriend that said duck made you gassy and consequently provoke your boyfriend to suggest that you just go and fart in the bathroom…again with said waiter behind him this time.

3. Have your boyfriend give you a Heimlich maneuver outside of the restaurant with fellow pedestrians in sight so that you may be relieved of your gas.

4. Be relieved of a hideous gas in front of pedestrians. (Hey, it happens.)

5. Start laughing so hard due to the aforementioned occurrences that you’re not sure if you peed yourself and when you go to get dessert and a movie, you force your boyfriend to walk behind you in case there is pee stain on your jeans.

That’s all.

 

Boyfriend Diary Copyright © 2011 All Rights Reserved.

Give It Back

Dear Neighbor,

A few days ago I made a purchase that my boyfriend will appreciate very much will be fantasizing about for days to come after the fact.  In return, I will be a very relaxed individual, which is highly important to balance my type A personality.

I understand the need to be nosy, particularly when the shipper address says “In His Dreams”, but please return my package that was delivered to your door mistakenly two days ago.  And no, you won’t fit into it, so don’t even try. Besides, that’s unhygienic and disgusting.

Sincerely,

The person that PAID for the package.

 

Boyfriend Diary Copyright © 2011 All Rights Reserved.

Today I am four.

I’m not sure how old I am. I’d say I’d average a 27, but generally my age will range from 4 to 85.

Of the two extremes, I have absolutely no problem being granny, yet being four has its own problems.

I have yet to find the balance between being an egotistically driven, its my way or the high way, tantrum throwing, feet stomping four, and the world is a magical place four. Currently, my tendency leans toward naughty 4, where at some point after my bad deed in which I overreacted to a particular situation because it didn’t go my way (control issues much?), I experience explosive levels of guilt that may or may not have to do with me being Jewish.

Some guys can’t keep it in their pants, and I? Well, I just can’t keep it in my mouth.

I know that not everything I’m thinking should be expressed verbally, but oh, how I love to express everything that I’m thinking verbally when I’m upset. And let’s face it, even if I don’t say it, you’ll see it written in big scarlet letters across my forehead.

Guilt consumes me. Right now, I feel guilty because our Winter Wonderland weekend turned ugly for forty minutes. It could have been worse, but this incident could have also been avoided.  So where does this idea of a perfect relationship sans arguments come from? The movies? Do such relationships exist?

Naturally standing in this murky water won’t lead me anywhere, so I’m trying to waddle out of this psychological mess by writing and freeing myself of the guilt.

 

Boyfriend Diary Copyright © 2011 All Rights Reserved.

Butting In

There’s something truly remarkable about being able to say, “It’s really not my place to say this” – have my partner agree that I in fact really should keep my unsolicited opinions to mysef, and then still be able to spew out my perspective on a particular situation, all without arguing.

Now, generally, such a scenario would provoke an argument, but today was different. Why? Because we’re realizing that relationships are full of compromises.

So today, once I told him what I thought about something that was none of my business, he told me to repeat this little mantra both outloud and in my mind, “It’s none of my business, it’s none of my business.” So I did.

It’s none of my business. It’s none of my business.

And then, in a very lady-like manner, I told him that I would love to show him a particular finger.

That my friends, is how we compromise in this household. Welcome to my blog.

 

Boyfriend Diary Copyright © 2011 All Rights Reserved.